A few months ago, before conceptualizing this website...
I was sitting in a meditative prayer one morning as I sat with the rising sun, staring out the window at one of my favorite trees, with whom I have shared many mornings. I remember that during this time I was in a lot of pain with a recurring back injury. As I sat there in stillness, I went into a dream-like state in which I had a vision of my body as a castle tower made of stone with stairs that spiraled from the ground to the very top…lit only by a few small torches. There was a heavy wooden door with cast iron hinges locked up tightly with chains…with no way in or out. When you reached the highest point in the tower there was a small dusty room with two EYE-shaped windows…this was the only room in the entire tower.
I came into the castle like a narrator or a voice or a body-less presence and I immediately observed a little girl about 5 years old stomping up and down the stairs seething with anger. When she went to the top room, huffing and screaming, she struggled to reach the little windows to look outside longingly at the world around the castle…that is when I approached her…
I said: “Little girl, why are you so angry?”
She replied: “I AM ANGRY AT YOU FOR KEEPING ME LOCKED UP IN THIS TOWER!”
Me: “What do you mean? How have I kept you locked in this tower?”
She: “You never let me be myself…you locked me up and MADE ME A PRISONER HERE!”
Me: “Why would I do that?”
She: “I don’t know why, but I am very angry!”
Me: “Well, what can I do to help you?”
She: “Let me out of here…let me be myself…let me shine!”
Me: “How do I let you out? This dungeon tower is locked up tight.”
She: “Use the key!”
Me: “What key?”
And I remember hearing a voice: “Why don't you make one?”…as I lifted out of this dreamy state and back into waking life.
Once again I was looking out the window at my tree. I thanked God for this beautiful system He has in place...that is always able and willing to send messages and insights to us when we are seeking answers. I realized quickly that the little girl was me…and that I was holding myself back from my true purpose and calling. I realized that the dusty, dark, and dirty Dungeon Tower was a symbol of the pain I was carrying within my own body…including the girl’s anger. It was clear. I needed to step up my game. Be my best self…honoring all the blessings and gifts I was given by God. It was time to set the little girl free!
I immediately went to my shop…and started making “The Dungeon Tower Key”…and have worn it nearly every day since as a reminder to:
1) Be Authentic,
2) Honor my Gifts, and
3) Realize that God's Laws are always working…drawing in experiences we need to learn. He has given us Free Will, so we must make the choice & turn the key.
Unlock your full potential.
After years of feverishly working to prove my self-worth and stroke my ego a series of calamities struck me…ultimately changing the course of my life forever. I call this “the Great Un-doing”, and it has been the focus of my days ever since. Before the Un-doing, I thought I had it all figured out: a cool job, a loving husband and family, perfect children, and a beautiful garden…what more could I want? I wasn’t aware of all that I was suppressing at the time…the fear, the anger, the sadness…my emotional addictions. My fear was reaching a point of near paralysis…I was afraid in and out of my home and in a constant state of survival (I attribute much of this behavior to raising children in a post-9-11 world). Eventually, my husband and I received the terrible news that my beloved father-in-law was sick and dying with ALS. Up to that point…he always seemed able to calm us down and assure us "everything will be OK". At that time, I was pregnant with my 2nd child. Dad passed within 9 months, he was a best friend to my husband and the patriarch of our family. We were destroyed. My husband wept and mourned deeply for years. It was a time of pain and challenges…all that seemed “perfect” was lost.
My cool job became stressful, my loving husband became unstable, my perfect children were not behaving, and my beautiful garden was a burden and a mess! I spiraled downward. I lost all control in my life! I thought how can we survive this time as a family without destroying the children? I abandoned myself to focus solely on the needs of others. I wanted the boys to think everything was OK, but it wasn't...all my anger and bitterness began to surface. It was 2011. That “11” marks the frown lines that formed on my face that year…a constant reminder.
I have been a lover of self-help and spiritual growth books since I was 20 years old. The ideas of taking responsibility for your life and not being a victim sounded like truth to me, although they always proved themselves impossible to maintain in daily practice (fast forward 20 years: I came to the realization that the missing link was a profound faith in God). These books got me through tough times up until the time of the Great Un-doing…in which I felt completely powerless. The stress started to manifest in my body…between years of paralyzing back pain, to vertigo, to acid reflux, to teeth grinding and jaw pain so intense it brought me to tears at night. I was an absolute mess! I forgot how to laugh. I scowled, mostly…those were dark times.
Fast forward to 2015. My parents brought me a cake for my birthday…as I paused I realized I had only one wish…"Peace". Before midnight on the evening of my birthday…that sincere wish started to manifest. I got a call from a dear old friend (who had no memory that it was my birthday) around 9PM, as we talked over the next hour or two…her story unfolded. She had been going through difficult times and had nearly died from internal bleeding…hospice had been called in and that was going to be the end. She told me that an “angel” had come to her and told her she was “not going to die at this time”, and gave her some specific instruction that seemed to help save her life. As she went on, she said that the “angel” never left and that she could see and have dialogue with them.
At about 11PM the conversation went like this:
Friend: “Jen, there is this heavy guy here who has been asking me to contact you”
Me: “a large man is with you and wants to talk to me?”
Friend: “Not large, deep. He is very deep”.
Me: “Do you mean my father-in-law?”
Friend: “YES! That’s it! He is jumping up and down and happy!”
Me: “This is crazy, you’re scaring me!”
Friend: “He said don’t worry about ____” (which was something personal that no one knew about and I am not going to share).
Me: “how could he know that? I don’t understand”
Friend: “He said he likes what you have done with your home”.
Friend: “He wants you to go to the mantle of your fireplace and place your hand on it”.
When I did, I got shivers rolling down my spine more powerfully than I have ever felt before…
Friend: “Aww, he is giving you a hug, he is so happy to be in contact with you, he has been trying for a long time.”
Me: “Should I get my husband?”
They said to go put my hand on my sleeping husband’s chest and as he woke:
Me: “I am talking to my friend who had a near death experience, now she can talk to angels, and I have been talking to your dad for the last hour”
Husband: “OK.” (Very slowly & without protest)
Me: “Do you want to talk with him?”
This continued on and on and into morning…asking and answering questions. This was the beginning of a new chapter…which was fear-inducing on an entirely different level. Now suddenly I am faced with the reality of an afterlife, with the presence of spirits…both loving and malicious, and my place in this new world. I drew many scary moments towards myself, because I had been in a pretty dark condition for several years…now I had a choice to make: Do I trust in God or live in fear forever?
I now have several years settling into a new mindset, and I have been quite steadfast in my spiritual pursuits. I have learned a few very important things in this time: